


Allura's Fade Dream

by mercs4life



Series: Allura Mahariel [1]
Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 18:39:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14526729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mercs4life/pseuds/mercs4life
Summary: Allura tries to retake the tower of mages when she and her friends are ambushed by a Sloth demon.





	Allura's Fade Dream

Allura Mahariel stirred in her sleep; she felt restless, impatient, anxious. She needed to open her eyes, but the quiet, the idea of a long slumber had a strong hold on her. There was someone she had to find, people she needed to protect, she couldn't sleep now - 

_**Just five more minutes,**_ a low, eerie voice whispered into her dreams. 

_**Don't you deserve to rest?** _

Rest? But she still had so much to do; there someone she had to... help? Meet? She couldn't rest yet -

_**So be it...** _

~~~~~

"Allura? Sweetheart, wake up."

Allura's eyes shot open. The familiar scent and sounds of boiling hot herb soup hit her as soon as she did. She hadn't experienced this in so long - 

She blinked and look around. Animal pelts decorated the caravan walls, and half finished handmade necklaces laid on the table next to her bed cot. And her cot was so much more soft and comfortable than what she remembered, but she couldn't remember what she would compare it to -

"Oh, Allura, you're awake."

A woman's voice from somewhere in front of her sweetly coaxed her from her reverie. She propped herself up by her elbows and struggled to adjust to the bad lighting. 

The smoke from the fire looked more like fog. It distorted her vision, made the figure behind the smoke appear misshapen and unnatural, and somehow too tall to belong in the caravan... 

"Who's there?," Allura called out. She sat up as her hand instinctively reached under her pillow, hoping to grab a knife - but why? The uneasiness only increased when she grabbed hold of nothing.

_'Always be prepared to fight, my dear Warden,'_ a suave, alluring voice reminded her. _'It will always save your life.'_

The figure behind the smoke laughed; it was warm and inviting and Allura needed to hear it more and wanted to run away all at once. 

"You would think you'd remember your own mother's voice, _da'len._ "

The figure stepped away from the smoke. As she approached the cot, Allura took in her appearance: short, elven, long dark brown hair that danced with the small fire, and soft, almond shaped eyes that crinkled when she smiled. Her white Fen'Harel _vallaslin_ accented her brown skin, kind and serene. Allura's eyes widened. 

"Mother," she whispered. 

The woman smiled and chuckled. "Of course, _da'len_. Who else would it be?" 

She passed a bowl of herb soup to Allura, who was still immobile with shock. The woman in front of her was supposed to be her mother, but Allura's mother abandoned her, didn't she? Allura wasn't enough to keep her here -

" _Da'len_ , what are you thinking about?" The woman questioned with mock sternness. "I know you're tired after that cave exploration with Tamlen," she continued, "but even you need food and rest. The future of our clan deserves the best." Then she smiled, and Allura let out a breath. 

"Future of the clan...? Tamlen? No, that's not -" 

"Don't mutter, _da'len_. Your father taught you to speak loud enough for all to hear. As soon as you're married to Tamlen, you'll be the clan leader." The woman tapped Allura's nose and winked, and Allura blinked rapidly in confusion. Is this what a "Mother" is like?

This felt wrong, somehow. It wasn’t a man, her ‘father,’ who taught her to speak clearly; it was an older woman with long, greying hair, with warm brown skin and a soft, sad smile that knew compassion and tragedy.

"What marriage to Tamlen? What about Merrill? When would my 'father' have taught me anything?" The questions poured out of her before she could really process them, but the woman's face steadily got darker with each word, the Fen'Harel _vallaslin_ flashing red.

" _ **Allura.**_ " The voice was no longer sweet and warm: it echoed in Allura's head and she had to fight the urge to shrink away. The woman cleared her throat; her features became softer, her _vallaslin_ pure white again, but it was too late to save face with Allura. " _Da'len_ , please. I'm only trying to help you get the rest you deserve. Now, eat your soup." 

Allura searched the woman's face for answers; maybe, where she was now, or where Tamlen was - if she could see him even once, where the Keeper is, but mostly _why_? Why was her mother's form chosen, why was she back in the caravan she grew up in, why does she feel like she's forgetting someone -

"Why did you abandon me?" was what slipped out of her mouth. 

The woman's perfectly arched eyebrows raised. "I would never abandon you, _da'len_ \- "

"You left me." Tears welled in her eyes, but she wouldn't stop; if this was her one and only shot to say this to her mother, even if it wasn't her, she would take it. She remembered her childhood was spent with Ashalle, who was kinder and more loving than the woman this demon pretended to be. Ashalle, who taught her right from wrong and how to stand up for herself. Ashalle, who told her that her mother killed herself before she so much as held her.

"My father was killed, and you decided I wasn't worth the effort, that life wasn't worth it without him. Why?! Why wasn't I good enough for you?" Tears fell freely at this point, some into the bowl, some into her lap, some on the cot. Through the tears, Allura could see the woman's face and body twisting horrifically: extra joints, unnatural shapes, sharp teeth, elongated jaw. Her _vallaslin_ turned blood red this time, stunningly bright against the dull grey of her skin. A demon, she knew that. But it didn't stop her from asking one last question. 

"Why didn't you love me?" 

The creature in front of her laughed, shrill and cruel and unforgiving. _**"Who wouldn't abandon a child like you? Clingy and whiny and oh so hard to please. Andraste herself couldn't raise such a spoiled child!"**_

Allura scoffed despite herself. It was an ugly, derisive noise, but it fit her mood perfectly. She stood and looked the demon in its twisted face.

"Ever since I heard you left me, that you'd rather die than so much as hold me, I always thought I wasn't enough. I had to be better, faster, stronger, than everyone I encountered. I wasn't ever good enough." Allura shook her head, and looked the demon in its black eyes. "But I was. I was good enough for Ashalle, and Tamlen, and Merrill. Keeper Maretherai. Fen'or, Alistair, Duncan, Morrigan, Leliana, even Sten." She wiped the tears from her face as the caravan fell around her, the demon's illusion no longer necessary. "And I'm good enough for Zevran. I'm good enough for their love and trust as _I am_ , and I was foolish to think I wasn't before." 

Allura knelt and reached under her cot again, and this time pulled out a replica of the knife Zevran gave her in the real world. As she studied the handle, she could practically feel Zevran’s arms against hers, showing her how to hold the blade to puncture someone's rib cage. The memory was bittersweet; welcoming and empowering, but a remainder of how alone she was now. 

Allura turned to the demon and cried out, "May the Dread Wolf take you!" 

She charged at the demon, knife in hand, pointed out, angled perfectly - 

"Allura, please. I just want to help." The demon took on her mother's form and voice one more time in desperation. 

Allura smiled. "Goodbye, mother." 

The demon's ichor spilled over Allura's blade, handle, and hands as she punctured her mother's rib cage. The demon shrieked, pain and anger obvious, as it burst into flames. It screamed out curses and swiped at her, but Allura held her ground. She watched as it turned to dust, gathering around her feet. She sat next the smoldering pile, thinking of what to say.

" _Mamae._ ” Allura hesitated; she’d never used the word to refer to someone before. Even if it wasn’t really her. She liked the way it rolled off her tongue. “ _Mamae_ ,” she repeated. “I also believed I could never love anyone. Romantically. Not if it meant abandoning everyone I call family." She paused again, looking over the blade. "But lately, I've been thinking that I can have both."

She placed the blade on the pile of ash. 

"Maybe I will take Merrill’s advice. Once, she offered to take me to the Fade where you and father first met. To see the Fade's memories. She thought it would help. I said it wouldn't, but I was just running away. I didn't want to see what made you leave me." 

She stood then, taller than she'd felt in a long time, and dusted herself off. She glanced at the horizon around her, looking for doorways deeper into the Fade.

She saw it: a white and blue ripple on the horizon, not too far from where she was now. 

Allura glanced at what was left of the pile of ash. She needed to forgive her mother for leaving her, or else she’ll leave herself open to another attack like this. She hated that she was left behind, that she wasn’t _enough_ , but she couldn’t let that hold her back anymore. She had too many people depending on her, too many lives at stake - or maybe there was just one life she wanted to change. 

She couldn’t hold back a grin as she turned towards the ripple. That was something to consider after she made it out of here. 

“I’m going to save my friends."


End file.
